The stalk talk

Namrata Bodkhe
22 Jun 2018

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Dear Beloved,

I’ve not been able to tell you how terribly I’m missing you since the day you’ve blocked me in whichever way possible. You’ve blocked my fake accounts also! Seriously, how did you come to know about them? Don’t you see, you are also keeping a close watch on me as I keep a watch on you! You may be in complete denial, but my friend Pappu assures me that tumhari na mein bhi haa chupi hai. As I have no option left, I am writing this letter. But I wish I could have it delivered by a pigeon like they do it in Salman Bhai’s movie. Remember the song, ‘kabutar jaa, jaa, jaa?’

I really miss those days when there was no Truecaller, and I used to give you blank calls from my number and also my friend’s number. I also remember those days fondly, when I used to stand at the chai tapri that falls on the way to your office before you decided to change your route. You never looked at me, never noticed me until that one day when I walked to you, holding a rose. I don’t know why you were offended and why you slapped me. I was heartbroken. I listened to Dharmendra ji’s ‘koi haseena jab rooth jati hain toh…’ from the film Sholay at least 25 times before going to sleep that day. Thanks to Dharam paaji, I regained my confidence. Plus, mummy says I look like Dharam paaji. You also look like Hema ji from your left profile.

Why don’t you understand me? Why won’t you appreciate my loving gestures? In utter suffering, the shayar in me woke up. Main shayar toh nahi… but I realized the pain inside you can turn you into one. In your memory, I wrote these lines…

I stare at, I stare at, and God I stare at you like a hawk
Then invited by your beauty, I gladly follow your walk
But to my nasty surprise, it gets ugly when we talk
For I call it chasing my dreams and you call it a stalk

I was going to write this letter in blood, but I have a fast tomorrow and mummy says I should not donate blood during the days of fasts as I might get weak. Mummy knows the best. I also inferred that it won’t be a good idea as you’ll get worried about me if that happens.

You can write back a letter and hand it over to the watchman of your office, I also do the same. But make sure to slip him 20 bucks as his service fees otherwise he will tear your letter to pieces and will ask you to never come back. That has happened to me a lot of times before. Maybe we need to give him a hike as I think he never delivers the letter owing to low service fees and that’s why maybe you never got my letters and hence no letter in reply from you :’(. Let’s make it 35 this time, okay?

Yours lovingly,
You know who…

Editor’s Note:

We loved the satire and dark humor that Namrata has poured into this imitation of a stalker’s letter. Not all stalkers are as creepy or as ‘eloquent’, but they all are very annoying to deal with nonetheless!

Namrata Bodkhe

I believe there is nothing more amusing than a simple truth told in a simple way. Overthinking and over analyzing are my hobbies. And I like to 'sense the humor'.

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